In the field of education, I’m pretty sure I am a global learner. That pretty much means that I tend to try to understand the overall structure of a subject, even though I may be fuzzy about a lot of the details. Or, simply put, once I see the whole thing, I can better understand how all of the little pieces really work and fit together. I tend to learn in segments, or starts and stops, being really confused until, suddenly, things finally go together and make more sense! I tend to solve problems in my own novel way, rather than in the more normal way.
It’s also my understanding that there are fewer of us global learners out there. It seems that most people tend to be sequential learners, who take one logical step after another to find their answers. I tend to want to see the boundaries, before I explore the details inside.
No wonder I feel paralyzed at times with indecision and confusion when I don’t have a clue what the big picture of my life looks like now without Mike here beside me. Things just don’t make sense at all right now.
Mike and I used to talk about our big plans together that we could see. We had dreams, plans, and hopes like any other couple who have become comfortable with each other being in the only picture they could imagine. He had been in my plans and dreams since I was 17 years old and we planned to grow old together.
But, in just a few weeks those dreams started to shake, and then they were shattered. My plans for this life of mine were gone. I have had to just give God all of the pieces and ask Him to use them as He sees fit in His plan. Not mine. Mine is gone.
The thing is, I know the picture of my life that I used to treasure will never be put back together again. This life problem that I face won’t ever have a solution where all of the pieces come together and everything will make sense here.
The details are often fuzzy and I don’t see how there can possibly be a better plan than the one we had thought out so well. We thought we were pretty good planners.
But, I have to trust that our Sovereign God knew what was the best for us. I thought that our life together was the best picture, but Sovereign God saw what I couldn’t possibly see. I must trust Him.
Yes, I believe He knew, all along, that I would become a widow at 62, instead of maybe at 92, like I might have guessed. He’s known it all along, and He sees what’s ahead of me in my future.
He saw the big picture of Mike’s life and He sees the big picture of mine. I still don’t see how all of the shattered pieces bring God glory, but God’s Word tells us He uses our suffering for His glory. So I believe even now He is working on the pieces of my life, putting them together in the big picture that only He can see.
He holds all of the broken pieces, and that is a comfort to me.
I guess my writings here may be trying to pick up some of the pieces of my life, both old and new. If nothing else, I hope it will encourage others to know they’re not alone when the only world they’ve ever known falls apart, and life changes forever.
We can rest in the fact that Sovereign God sees the big picture that we can’t see. He has a plan and it is good. It may be painful and one we would never have chosen. But, if we’re truly walking in submission to God, then we trust Him with the future He ordains for us.
I believed that He held us then and I still believe that He still holds me now.
As I get older, I can see how life does, indeed, shape us to become either better or bitter. I want to always strive to be better, even when I’m feeling my way in the darkness of life and not even sure sure where I’m going. As long as I’m holding onto Him and His Word, I know I can trust God to guide me.
Every now and then, through the years, I have gone back to read in my journals. They often bring me to tears. Many are happy, some are sad, but all are real. Life is precious and sacred. It goes by so quickly.
So many people who I’ve loved so much are now gone. But, new people I love so much are now here with me. The precious gift of life always wins. I am blessed to have had a great life, with each stage filled with faith, hope, and love. God has been very, very good to me. I am grateful.
My faith in God has been the firm foundation that has held the pieces together for me. I can’t imagine where I would be now if I didn’t believe God has a plan for me and my life, even though I can’t see the big picture, yet. I believe that one day, somehow, I will be able to see how all of the pieces of my life fit together in the big picture that God sees so clearly even now. Maybe someday it will all make sense…