August 21, 2019
This is a new thing for me. Another new thing. Talking to the world out there sounds kind of intimidating to an introvert like myself. This definitely isn’t something I have to do, but since the idea wouldn’t leave my mind, perhaps I’m supposed to do it. For someone somewhere. For maybe just me.
Most of all, I want people to know about the faith, hope, and love in my life that has made my life worth living. Every single, precious piece of my life.
I hope that my words will help all people to cherish life and to truly value the gift of living even when things don’t seem to make sense. And, I hope if Mike happens to look down from heaven, that he will be pleased with what I write, too. I always liked to make him proud of me.
Today will always be so special because it is his birthday. We always celebrated together and I will always miss him being here. But, I know he’s celebrating big in heaven with a whole bunch of people we loved.
Since July 4, 2016, it has seemed many times that I can’t find the words that I want to say to the world. Then there are the times when I really have a hard time keeping my voice silent, when everything is ready to explode within me. I think that’s what happens when your world gets turned upside down and inside out, and you don’t even know who you really are anymore.
Oh, I know I’m still a child of God, a mother, a grandmother, a relative, a friend, and a teacher who took my early retirement to enjoy those golden years with my hubby and family.
But, now I’m also a widow. I’ve always hated that word. And its meaning. The image it paints in my mind. But, that’s my new role that’s affected all of the other roles I’ve cherished so much. It’s the only one I didn’t ever want and even fought against having it. Over three years later, my heart still sinks with the reality. Mike is really gone and he’s never coming back here, again.
Well, I thank God, we had at least 20 months of that golden retirement life before Mike became ill and the pancreatic cancer ravaged through his body in three and a half months. We sure did have some fun in those months and I’m so thankful for the great memories we made together!
Here’s some of our golden times that we got to enjoy together.
Life is So Fragile. Enjoy and Treasure.
I am so grateful that we really did take the time to enjoy ourselves in those last 20 months! Never take life for granted. No one but God knew what was about to make itself known and tear us apart forever!
But, God wants me to go on living in my new life that’s all broken up. I have so much love still left here on earth with me and I’m trying to let Him put the pieces together. I want to still enjoy our precious family that Mike and I started together and have always been so proud of!
I am so thankful I have them in my life to love and to love me! Mike would want me to pick up the broken pieces of my life and try to keep them all together with golden memories of him! I really do try!
I have journaled off and on for years, but have never really taken the time to voice my thoughts or my story to the world. My heartfelt conversations tend to happen with my family members, a few close friends, or in a small group setting.
Much of my writing has been done during high or low points in my life, when I needed to process my thoughts. I think it often made me feel better to write things down. Maybe it was my way of trying to preserve them. I tend to sort things out in my mind as I write. It seems I’m always gathering the pieces of my life, sorting, and organizing them to make them fit.
So, I have been madly sorting the pieces of my life since Mike passed away. I’ve lost a lot of other family members and friends who I’ve grieved for so much, too.
But, I’ve never lost anyone who was as much a part of me as my precious husband. Part of me died with him that day, too.
That’s the way God ordained marriage to be, you know. We became one in 1972, a long time ago, when we were still very young. When you’ve finished raising each other as we did, you are woven together for life. Or, until death rips you apart. I am so grateful that we had 44 wonderful years of being woven together. But, yes, I am just greedy enough to wish we could have had more.
Some of the things I’ve journaled about over the years were relatively short term issues, and they were resolved quickly. But, there were also things that I rehashed and tried to figure out for many years. Some were solved with happy endings in the course of time. Some were never resolved completely because there are just some things that remain sad or difficult and we all just have to accept them on this roller coaster of life.
Mike’s death is one of those things I couldn’t change and I still don’t understand. It is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to accept and only Sovereign God really knows the depth of my pain. But, He also knows my daily desire to submit to His will being done in my life. I don’t think I would still be here without my faith and trust in God. I believe that He continues to sort the pieces of our lives as He wants to fit them into His plan.
Even though the wonderful man I loved with all of my heart is gone, my faith, hope and love are still here. Mike and I both believed that our Sovereign God held us and our future in His hands for over 44 wonderful years in our life together. I am grateful.
Now, I do believe that He held Mike as he experienced the unfathomable joy of heaven, even while He held me as I experienced the unspeakable sorrow of Mike’s death.
Sovereign God is still holding me now. As I sort through the pieces of my life, I’ve written more words since that day than ever before…