I’m sharing some of my journal entries, beginning on Sept 14, 2019 and for several days after that, as I listened to our old cassette tapes. Some of the reflections are from my original journal, while some were written spontaneously as I typed this post much later.
Precious memories are precious. But, that doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.
I‘ve been listening to old cassette tapes that we sent to each other when Mike was stationed with the Air Force in Thailand. He was stationed at two different bases and spent a total of 18 months of his life in service over there for our country.
We were so young, naive, innocent, and in love. We sound so immature and yet so mature on the same tape. We were not rich, but close to poor. Barely getting by. We were both concerned about having enough money to pay bills constantly!
I talked over and over in my tapes about how much I missed Mike and couldn’t wait till he came home or we were together. I said how hard it was to be with other couples without him with me, and how weird it was to not have him with me. I talked about how hard it was to wait and how I got depressed.
So, now, almost 50 years later, it seems my life was being prepared even then for this time of my life now.
Mike kept talking about how much he missed me and looked forward to having me there. (I spent 8 months over there, too.) He said it was the only thing he had to look forward to.
I sometimes wonder now, if he misses me in heaven. Who knows? And, sadly, there are days now when I wonder exactly what I do have to look forward to here. It’s a day at a time, trusting God knows what is best.
Mike talked about wishing his kids could grow up not having to worry about war. (Most of our own growing up years were during the Vietnam War.)
Oh, what would he say about our world now!?!Hasn’t there always been and there will forever be a war going on somewhere? But, we’ve been blessed to not live in an actual physical war on our country’s soil here, in my lifetime.
Mike said, “I don’t want to work all the rest of my life just to have a little bit of money when I’m 65. I want to enjoy life as much as I can while I’m young.”
Little did he know he’d never be 65. But he sure did enjoy life while he was young. I sure did, too. But, I sure want to enjoy the rest of my life, now, too.
I know that’s why I’m so lost now, without him here to talk to, to come home to, to eat with, to sleep with, to laugh and cry with, to hug and be hugged with, and to do all of life with. So lost! So alone!
Mike said, “I just think the Lord is gonna work things out for us. We get in a rut and don’t know what to think next, but He always works things out if you just put your trust in Him. And I have. I know He’s working everything out. He’ll work out all the little details, too, that’ll come up. I know there’ll be unexpected expenses and little things come up. But, we’ll get them all taken care of and work things out.”
Awww, I so wish he was here to still reassure me about things and to help me not to worry about life, now. Always the optimist! He always made things look better for me.
I miss his warm smile, his gentle voice, his contagious humor, his manly charm, his quick wit, and how he made everything seem better.
He said, “I keep thinking, well you know, just a few more days and we’ll be together, again. That’s all I really care about. I don’t care about this Air Force. I don’t care about Thailand. I don’t care about anything. Just being together. That’s all that really matters to me. But, It won’t be too long.”
Well, that’s often how I feel now that he’s gone. I often wonder why I have to do this life now without him? But, I have to remember that my life here is actually short, and we will be together in heaven before long. I must keep looking for the joy here around me still and look forward to heaven someday.
Mike said, “I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait until you get here. I’m counting down the days. It’s 51 days from now.”
He was counting down our days until I joined him in Thailand. It seems like we spent a lot of our young lives counting down our days. Most of them were countdowns until we got to a good thing! But, there were also a few countdowns until we faced a bad thing, too.
I don’t think Mike’s counting down the days until I get to heaven. Heaven is a perfect place and he is content with that. It’s hard to wrap my head around that thought.
With death, his countdowns stopped, but my countdown to my future’s end is unknown to me. I don’t know whether I’ll live five years or twenty-five years here. I do trust that God knows all of my days, and He will hold me until I go to heaven.
He hated to do things by himself over there. He talked about how he was looking forward to having me there to go with and do things. He said it just got to be a drag always going with a buddy like to a movie or something, and how it wasn’t fun to go with a couple or his buddies all of the time.
Oh, how I know how that feels for sure, now. I knew it then, too. But, even then it was a temporary loneliness. Now, my loneliness is real and without him permanently. Our relationship was newer and younger then, and absence made our hearts grow fonder. But, the loneliness was real.
Now the outlook often seems so grim for me. I know I will see Mike in heaven. But, I sure miss being half of a couple here. Family and friends are good, but they’re not the same as your spouse. So, for right now, I’m another widow who struggles with loneliness each day.
I still miss his wisdom gained from years of experience. I miss sharing reflections on the events in our life together.
He talked about how he tried to stay busy and not think about missing me. He didn’t want to get down in the dumps.
Oh, how I wish I wouldn’t get down in the dumps now. But, it’s a daily battle not to go there. I don’t have anything or anyone who is a daily constant person in my life right now, like Mike was for me. That’s where I am. I know he wouldn’t believe my life right now. I often wonder what he would have done if things had been reversed and he was left here alone. I think he would have handled it much better.
But, God chose me to do this walk alone. He knows the reason why I have this job of widowhood, and I must trust Him to continue to work things out for me.
Yes, I believe that Sovereign God still holds me and my future.
It’s one day at a time, with Jesus!