A few days back in the beginning of this year, I wrote a rare long comment on FaceBook regarding Grace and Widows. Later, I realized that God is really the only one that can truly extend true GRACE. But, we can try to extend His Grace… with His help.
What I realized later was that humans can give mercy, forgiveness, and love. But, we can’t really give Grace like God does.
Anyway, I want to share my thoughts here.
“I’m just reading your post and felt like I wanted to say that grace has to be given both ways.
I am a widow now, since July 4th, 2016, and know exactly how it feels to have my life totally changed.
When I have a need, I either have to do it myself, ask for help, simply live with it, or pay to have it done. Those of us who are independent, don’t like to ask.
Many wrongly assume family is always able to help us. Many ease their guilt by thinking other friends are helping us.
Really, I think that most people just don’t like to think about us needing anything. I have to give them grace for their attitudes. I know I didn’t think about widows and their life changing needs until I became one.
I don’t ever remember my husband and I going out of our way to take care of a widow’s need. Oh, we might have paid for their lunches if we saw some of them out to eat. That was our big contribution to showing them love.
I didn’t dwell on how their lives had totally changed. We sent flowers, said a few prayers, made a few calls. I cared, but I didn’t really care. I loved but I didn’t really love.
It is only when we feel the pain that we can truly share the pain.
But, harping on others not meeting our needs doesn’t do anyone any good at all. It only makes us seem more needy and makes others not want to think about us.
I personally don’t want to be defined as just a widow. I want people to see more of me than being a widow.
I don’t really want to just be included in a “widow’s group” or just be a checkoff point on some church’s list of needy widows!
I want people to include me because they love me, and not because they feel sorry for me! I don’t want anyone to think that my only outlet of enjoyment comes from being with other lonely widows! I just want to feel as normal as possible. I want to know someone is walking with me as a friend.“
No one can remove my heartache or take away my pain. No one can fix things for me but they can help my heart to heal by showing love, patience, and acceptance of me.
I really hate the idea of naming any ministry idea as “The Widow’s Group!” Who would ever want to join a group with that name? It just reeks of being sad, needy, and hopeless. Most widows already feel all of those things at one time or another. Most of us are looking for friendship, assurance, and HOPE. We need to be offered the hope of living a normal life again.
I wonder how many people think that we can survive life by talking, living, commiserating, or being only with other widows?
We do need fellowship with other widows, but that’s just not enough to feel normal in this world.
For most of us, being with another widow is now our main form of socialization, except being with family, anyway. I am very grateful for each of my friends who happen to be widows, too. They get it. We support each other in many different ways. But, most of all, they are my friends who identify with my pain.
The best way for helping a widow is to be her friend, to enjoy your life with her, not to put her into your life as an extra service job that needs to be done.
Yes, it would be nice if the church would know about even a few of the specific needs we have on our journey. But, they can’t know a widow’s needs if they stop their involvement in her life after the funeral dinner is over.
If they’ve set her aside as just a widow, then they don’t even think about her needs, because she’s not part of their own regular life. She’s simply been dropped off most of their lists of friends that they enjoy their normal life with.
Most independent people who are in pain, don’t reach out for help. We only take it when it’s given, not when it’s just offered.
We all know people who are comfortable in being thought of as needy, poverty stricken, always ready to take from others, and who often really expect others to look after them and their needs!
Who wants to be that kind of a person? Who wants to be around that kind of a person very often?
I sure don’t!
However, when life is going good, and you’re not grieving, I know it’s easy to kind of ignore someone else who is. Grief is heavy. So, I try to give grace to people who just don’t know what my life as a widow is really like at all.
I also hope they will give me some grace, too. I know that I now view life through the sensitive, painful lens of “After Death,” and it is shaped by loss.
I also know that many of them will, one day, know how it feels to lose not only their spouse but the life they lived with them! Sadly, several of my friends have now also become widows like me.
I must try to give God’s grace to others, while hoping that I will receive a little bit of it, too!“
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