The year after Mike died, 2017, our youngest daughter and her family moved over nine hours away from me. My heart ached even though I understood their reasons for the move and I always want them to do what they feel the Lord is telling them to do.
The first Sunday they were there, she suffered the miscarriage of their third baby. I wanted to hug her in her pain so bad. The distance is very hard on all of us. All I could really do was pray for her and talk to her on FaceTime.
When we dedicate our children to the Lord, we don’t know what they are going to be called to do. So, I have tried to realize that if they are willing to sacrifice family time for the Lord’s service, then I have to be willing to sacrifice family time for the Lord’s service, too.
I will be the first to admit that it isn’t easy for this Mom and Nana to do, especially when I’m alone.
I have had to get used to planning my own travel, which I hate doing. Mike always took the lead in making our reservations for trips and handling any travel arrangements.
Granted, that was in the days before we did everything online. He would make all the arrangements, and then hand all the papers to me. I would put them all into a folder and keep them accessible and organized for the trip. When he needed something, I found it. It was so simple back then.
I never worried about finding our way out of a big city. Or whether I could find a certain big building or hospital there. I just helped him read road signs. Once in awhile, on a long, quiet stretch of road, he would want me to drive. But, most of the time on our trips, he wanted to drive.
I just enjoyed the scenery with him, read a book, or took naps on my pillow. My stomach wasn’t tied in any knots at all. I was relaxed and didn’t suffer anxiety over the details and logistics of the travel or trip.
Obviously, that’s all changed now. I have to decide whether I am going to do it all or just not go. Friends or family can accompany me sometimes, but it just isn’t feasible most of the time. I have no siblings or even any extended family who share my life and live close to me. My own children are in busy, active stages of their own lives.
So, I have driven the long nine hour trip to see my kids multiple times now, as well as shorter trips here and there. I still don’t really enjoy the process, but I have developed more confidence in doing it alone.
The first time I went I had two GPS systems going, just to make sure I got there! I have made wrong turns, but figured it out and kept going. God has protected me several times when I made some driving moves that weren’t too smart or safe.
But, I have tried to trust that God is always with me. I try to give my fears about what might happen to Him. I pray for Him to control the wheel and watch over the car, so that I won’t hurt others or myself! I pray for Him to help me make decisions and to stay calm.
The first time I was driving through Nashville was during rush hour traffic. I didn’t really think that detail through before I left. So, I soon saw I was going to hit it at the busiest time and I did. But, as the crowded eight lanes of traffic crawled along, I had adequate time to really read the road signs and figure out where to go.
I could hardly believe I was there alone, driving in eight packed lanes of trucks and cars all around me. I knew Mike would probably have been surprised to see me. But, he would have been proud. It was kind of the same feeling I had all those years ago when God helped me to find my way alone, in the middle of Bangkok, Thailand!
On my first long trip alone, when I got to my daughters house, finally crawled into bed that night, and closed my eyes, I felt like I was still driving. Much like I used to do after a full day of active snow skiing!
So I knew my anxiety level had been very high and that I was also exhausted. But, God had watched over me. I decided that driving in that very slow, rush hour traffic was probably the safest way He could have taken me through that busy city on my first big driving trip alone.
I have so much more to learn in this life without Mike here beside me. Everything that goes wrong with the house. Everything that goes wrong with the yard. Everything that goes wrong with the car. Everything that goes wrong with the internet, the TV, the phone, the computer, and the myriad of other things that we use every day in our lives now, is my responsibility. I either have to try to fix it, ask someone to help me, or just pay to have it done. That is just part of the life of any person who lives life alone.
My children can try to help me if I ask them. But, most of the time, I try not to ask them because I know they have their own things to take care of in their own homes and families. But, they have graciously helped me several times.
Of course, my son who lives the closest to me hears more of what I have on my mind and what I have needed to deal with. He has always been very good to help me when I really needed him to be here. Even at 2:00, very early one morning, when all of my smoke alarms went off, he showed up. I am so thankful for him and his love and that he lives close to me!
There have been a lot of new things I’ve had to take care of, some of which we never even had to deal with when we were married. Every year it seems like there has been something that Mike would have taken care of, but I’ve been forced to figure it out.
My whole roof was severely damaged by a hailstorm and it had to be completely replaced.
One of our large trees fell over during a windstorm causing damage when it crashed onto my neighbor’s fence.
Another tree split in half during an ice storm and had to be removed.
My dishwasher quit so I bought a new one and my son installed it for me.
My heating system quit right before a severe cold spell, so I had to purchase a new heating system, but I thanked God that I had stayed warm!
My hot water tank was leaking, so I had a new one installed.
I write those things down to say that God has been faithful in every way to help me take care of those kinds of things.
I already knew there’s always something to do when you own a home. It’s just that I’ve never owned one all by myself before. It’s definitely not fun to do it all alone, but I know that God is here and helps me.
I’d rather just pay the bills like I did when we were married. We always said that Mike made the money and I paid the bills. It was so much easier and also more enjoyable that way. But, I am very thankful that I can still afford to take care of things when they need to be taken care of. Many women living alone simply cannot afford to do that at all.
I pay to have my fairly large yard mowed and trimmed, while I try to take care of all the weeding, mulching, and pruning by myself. I pay for removal of leaves, cleanouts of the guttering, power washing of fences and concrete, repairing of garage doors, pesticide spraying, and a bunch of other little things that all have to be taken care of before they become big things later. Every one of those chores is something I’m just thankful I’ve been able to pay for and get them done.
So many widows struggle to afford things like that at all, whether it’s routine maintenance or occasional repairs or replacements. Many of them struggle to have routine maintenance or major repairs done on their automobiles.
I am so very thankful for God’s providential care and for Mike’s provisional care that I feel even now. I am eternally grateful for their love and I know I am blessed.
Every health issue must be handled alone. One of the biggest fears for anyone living alone is whether we will be able to take care of ourself. Most of the time, no one is there to hold us or help us when we become ill. That has been my biggest fear about getting Covid 19 during the pandemic.
Every big financial decision must be handled alone, even with a good financial advisor. We must ultimately decide what we think would be the best choice.
When Mike passed away, he was still working and hadn’t started collecting any retirement. Neither of us had started collecting any Social Security. I was 62 and was still on his health insurance plan that I had been on for years, even while I was teaching. It was a very good health insurance policy and so I had elected to keep it.
But, after he died, I had to pay a really high premium for several years to keep the COBRA insurance in force until I went on Medicare at 65. So, I had to watch over my finances like an eagle to make sure I stayed afloat wisely and financially, while I kept the health insurance policy until I no longer needed it.
Again, I am grateful for provisions that Mike made for me that helped me get through that time. Many widows have to go out and get a job immediately just to have health insurance or to pay the bills that still keep coming after your spouse dies. Many widows have to sell their home and move immediately for that very reason.
My bills haven’t changed that much, except for pleasure expenses. The bills for eating out, vacations, shopping, or doing other fun things seems to go down for most widows I know. It seems like most of the times I spend money for those are when I’m with my kids and grandkids.
But, the new life responsibilities I’ve listed aren’t the only concerns of a widow. In fact, they’re usually more at the bottom of the list.
The physical losses of having your mate beside you to do anything you want together, to go anywhere you want together, to talk about anything you want together, to give hugs and affection whenever you want together, are huge visible empty places in every single part of your life. No one can really understand until they go through the death of a loved spouse, and then start to live this life, alone.