Divorcees and widows both share grief and loss. But, they are different in so many ways.The biggest difference. One was the loss of a marriage. One was the loss of a life.
A widow misses the good times that she had, and wishes he could have stayed. A divorcee often doesn’t wish him to come back and deals with more anger and resentment, often forgetting the love shared. A widow tends to try to forget any resentment and just to remember the love shared. She tries to go on living, but every single part of her life is changed forever.
However, the emotional and mental anguish over losing our spouse is the one that other people can hear us talk about, but they simply cannot truly understand it until their spouse dies. People can see the empty place beside us, but they cannot see the empty hole inside our heart, mind, and soul.
Sometimes, I’ve tried to put my grief and loss into words for people, but it seems like my words never adequately describe the magnitude of the problem. It is a problem that no other person can fix for us. It is a problem that no pill can make the problem go away. It is a problem that no vacation or trip can eliminate. There is no counselor that can completely eradicate the feeling of grief or loss. All of those things have the capacity to perhaps help, soften, lesson, or postpone the loss, but it’s always there.
Grief and loss hang over our whole being, coloring our view of the whole world as we are still trying to stay alive and live. Sometimes we might get brief intervals or breaks using some of the ways listed above, but the problem always is still there at the end or when we come back home.
There are so many secondary losses that most people don’t spend very much time thinking about unless they become a widow!
Here’s a pretty good visual, although most widows I know can think of more that should be on here!
I have some friends who have remarried and they have gone on with their life. They still shed tears when talking about their first spouse who died. While their life seems better and they look happier, their loss is still in their heart, touching nearly every part of their life.
Mike told the kids, in my presence, that he wanted me to remarry and to go on living life. As uncomfortable as that made me feel at the time, I know he really meant it and that it would be okay with him. I also know it would be okay with my children. Not every family feels that way.
But, I also know he just didn’t really have any idea of what was ahead of me when I became a widow. He wouldn’t believe the life I’ve lived for almost five years now. I’m sure it would make him sad, but it often makes me sad, in reality. Most widows do forever live with sadness inside us.
I still cling to hope for a life that seems more normal like I was so used to living. But, only God knows my future and I have to let Him hold it for me, for now.
I’ve often said that if I had died, and Mike were still here, he would probably be remarried by now. There are two reasons I write that.
First, there are many more available women for a widower to choose from that are his age or younger than him. There are simply a whole lot more widows than widowers. The latest ratio I’ve seen was more than 4 to 1, and that is growing as we Boomers get older.
Sadly, my list of widowed friends continues to grow. The average age for a widow is now around 59.
More times than not, men choose someone much younger. My own widowed father did exactly that when he married my mother who was ten years younger than him. There are just a lot more available women to choose from, if a man desires to remarry. He can usually always find someone who wants to be with him. Often, he finds someone else within a short amount of time.
The chances become less and less for a woman to remarry, as she ages. Men typically die earlier than women as they both age, so there are fewer and fewer men to even consider as the years go on.
Secondly, Mike was an extrovert who simply needed to be with other people to get recharged. I am an introvert who gets recharged when I come home to rest and think. So, he probably would naturally have reached out seeking other relationships in a lot more situations than I have done alone.
I know that I was married all those years to a man with very high standards in his personal, family, and work relationships. I would only consider someone with such high standards, again. Whoever that person might happen to be will have to be loved by me with as deep and intense of a love that held me to Mike for all of those years. I know my standards are high because that is what I’m used to living with. I can’t imagine living without the mutual love, respect, acceptance, admiration, and commitment that kept Mike and I together for that long.
So, I know it will be a true miracle if I ever experience that kind of love, again. As of now, I am still just trying to learn to joyfully live this new life that God has ordained for me to have for right now.
I know a lot of my widowed friends feel the same way as I do. Some women really do desire to remarry so much that they have become involved in hurtful relationships. Others just really don’t want to get married again. They simply don’t want to have to take care of anyone else, and they just want to enjoy living the rest of their life without worrying about all of the commitments of marriage again.
So, this is a new life I didn’t want or ask for, but I am still grateful to have it because I truly cherish living life. Life is precious and fragile, and it is a true privilege to awake each day knowing I’m still loved and that God has a purpose for me for that day. My desire is to always continue to embrace living with joy on this journey of life.
